What do you do when you reach your breaking point?
I feel like I am totally lost, but then again, was I ever found?
I want to make it all better but I dont even know where to begin.
All the closest people in my life have been people I’ve had romantic ties to.
Man by man, I begin to rebuild bridges that were left in ruin. I need closure. I need the closeness. I need people in my life that genuinely give a shit how I really feel. Without that in my life I feel empty. But somewhere along the way, my defenses scramble into a state of disarray and they always tell me the same thing. Here we go again, you want more. But not everything, no, its never everything that they are asking for. They want pieces of me, at their convenience, and they want to push and pull in ways that suit their needs. I am silly putty in their hands, no regard for what I actually am. I am a million shards of broken glass, but somehow it doesnt cut them up to further crush me into smaller little pieces. No. They take what they want and leave. And as I grow lonely and despair takes root deep within me, I reach out for a sign that I am not in this on my own. But what do I get in return? I get more hands, coming in only to take what they want from me. I am the scraps of a mauled fucking carcass that wolves continue to feed on as they hunger for more. I am a whole person. But with the help of men in my life, I have been separated. I am cut up to bits. I don’t want to feel this way. To feel used. To feel deficient somehow. Why am I not enough? Why are only parts of me desirable? Why doesnt anyone want to take on all of me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???